Hell of a Joyride

May, 2017

It was my last fight. I had built my Curriculum Vitae and it was ready to be sent.

Every step that I took, I was ready to be rejected.

But, I was the luckiest bitch alive that day.

Something that changes my life forever.

I stepped in with my whole heart,

Filled with gratitude and proud, as I stated in my previous post - eyes only on the prize.

Changed everything about myself, that I could do.

Learnt how to build convo with others, took care of my body.

It was really long time to finally accept my look, my physical body.

I tried to forget my past memories, and tried to be someone new.

Hospitality, tourism, hotelier. Not a single glinch in my life that I could get into this world.

It was all about IT, I was going to dive deep down for programming and UI/UX, and I also wanted to learn about game developing.

However, this is not something that I don't like. I could cope up with this, I adapt easily.

I applied for Marketing student - I knew it was a win-win solution, I could learn about public speaking and presentation and get paid for that. Who does not want it?

I applied for Kolintang group - I were the melody player. I stood in the first line, the centre point.

I tried Modern Dance too - something that has been my interest for a long time, but I did not have the courage as I knew my body is not size 0.

I joined English club - I thought my English was quite good, I just want to improve it and have speaking-partner for it.

I am a part of Coffee club - learnt about coffee, drinks, and organization. I was the secretary, and it was the first year. I even made the logo by myself.

And, I was going for student exchange in Thailand, my dream country since I was a kid. I still remember her laugh when I said "Thailand", after she asked me where would I wanna go for my first trip overseas. I even learnt about Thai language and culture back in 2013.
But, I have been realistic+pessimistic person my whole life. I had my savings, after working for roughly 4 years prior to college. I knew I PROBABLY could not enjoy all of the things in Thailand. 

First thing after they announced we are going to study abroad, I asked them if I could choose not to go because I don't have money.

They only said, "you received 166 mill. the 4-year study including student exchange is only 125 mill."
That was, the first red flag about this institution.

August, 2018

Closing my first year in this place. 

I achieved it. Straight GPA. I decided to study hard, to maintain it.

Finally, going to be abroad for 8 months. I was really excited. Really, really excited.

One thing that always on my mind, money. I knew I could not make money anyway in Thailand - otherwise they would deportize me. Then, I could give the institution a bad name. Then, I could be a disgrace for family. Typical hard asian.

With half of my life-savings, and with the help of my Mother and my Aunt. I am not going to forget about it.

He drove me to airport at 4 AM, with my mother and his. 

My lovely brother and sis-in-law caught-up with me just before my schedule.

And, that was the last time. That was the last meeting with her, one of the most genuine person. She had same chinese sign with me, I could feel my vibe in her. She wore her sunglasses, there weren't any expression in her face. Some said she had already drew some tears, but I did not even give her a hug.

Flew overseas for the first time using Garuda, I was really really excited - I was not even scared about anything. 

I was at my best part when I were alone.
Built a healthy routine for myself. Went for a swim 4 times in a week. Sometimes, went to a gym first.

Shopped in local market, prepared and cooked every meal.

I remember, I used to spend my time in library.

Walked everywhere, because I enjoy the scenery.

It was peaceful, my bucket list in life has fulfilled - waking up every morning to sea and hill. I was at my happiest.

Although, half of it was me trying to save up money, I knew it won't be easy here.

I worked out because I need to be healthy, medicines are expensive.

I swim 4 times a week so the water fee wouldn't be high.

I hang out at library almost everyday just because I wanted to charge all of my gadgets there.

I cooked every single meal because I didn't have enough money to eat out.

I walked everywhere, as the transportation fees are high.

Writing every single water unit everyday, and counting AC temperatures within electricity units.

After all, It was fun. I enjoy Thailand and every single bit of it. Happy, healthy, and still had savings - that was all enough for me.

Holidays, I still could do it, thanks to my self-discipline.

Went to Pattaya and Bangkok, back and forth. Tried all things that I wanted to.

Some memories that I will remember forever, all are sweet.

Being approached by married men. Even one of them, is one of the most handsome guy I have ever seen in life.

Ah, I remember he was seduced by many girls but his eyes were still looking at me. Flattered.

Being the center of attention, that French guy thought I was very beautiful. Built up a convo with him, he amazed with my English skill.

Being thrown with mini firecrackers by ladyboys at red light district, all I wanted was visiting a Darts bar.

Drove 22km from north to south city without faceshield, almost got into physical accident.

Well, she hit that expensive car and tried to go away, of course they immediately run after us.

Had to pay 1K Baht after she called the "uncle-policeman" and caused the scene. 

Way home, policemen were looking at us and tried to stop us.  Putting a damn troll face.

711, took a break and changed our clothes.  Freakin scared.

All of that, I would love to remember them forever.

May, 2019

Back again to the hometown. Was it nice?

One of the best thing was meeting my half of life-savings again.

I wanted to stay, I know I couldn't.

Let's get started again, eyes still on the prize, eh?

Did final exams, gone back-and-forth between study and rave. However, I've put my study amongst other things.

I still made it, I'm looking at straight As.

Then began to see the second red flag.

They played with our grades, the one that we had learnt before.

They didn't listen to us. Some are giving up.

They told us to go here and there, just so they could extend the time.

I began to tire. I did not expect facing this. After all, I was alone. I still pursue them.

This is insane.

I looked for other way, for another help. 

Until I,

Closing my eyes, suddenly it's time to go home.

Well, I'm doing good on pandemic. I didn't have to take offline classes.

On the other side, I had to carry them on my back.

It was hard, I wanna cry, but I am okay. I still can do it.

I did it for my grades. Only for that. 

Stressful, there’s big error at the moment I was taking the final exam.

Friends giving me their Files. I could not be grateful more for this.

I realized, I probably get good karma from carrying many people between semesters.

March, 2021

What we are going to do? No one gives us information..

Clueless, but I know that it should have started. 

I'm focusing on work, trying to get money as much as possible.

Suddenly,  I hear - some have done input their topics.

Then there's me, staring blankly at the wall because I don't know even a single bit of it.

Tried to calm, as I always do. All I could do was getting some references.

Then it's April 10th, been thinking of many things.

Decided to take the first step by giving it a name.

I were the 55th of 59.

I have to work two, three times much harder to catch them.

But I am struggling with the present condition. Couldn't think, no focus.

Felt under pressure as I can't be productive. It affects my health as well, I can see and feel it.

She asked me how were I doing. She decided to give effort - to meet, chat, and guide me through my hard time.

It means a lot for me. At least in the world there is one person that really cared about me. 

I push myself even harder, because I knew bigger storm will be coming soon. 

Red flags number three, bitter moments flashing in my head. 

They will play with us. They would not let us go easily. 

Even it is unbelievable, I still had myself.

I do what I had to do, 10 hours a day is no big deal.

I did well, I know I did well. Managed to care about my works and still pull almost all-nighter everyday, just so I could finish it with no time.

I know there is no person who could not go to sleep then decide to finish some work, I guess it's only me.

Until, it starts going downhill. She expects us to fit the same standards as her. 

They start to push us even more. Expectations lining up before my eyes.

It began hard to reach the line. I am trying my best as possible, but I still can’t. 

Had to cut my work, stressful as I needed the money too. I had no choice. 

I push myself beyond the limit, it affects badly.

The only thing that matters for me, is those college-work to be done. It drowns me.

Things are controlled. But not me.

Is it me or them, who pushed myself too far?

There’s some change. Foods aren’t interesting anymore. Drinks aren’t needed too.

Slowly changes, could not find comfort in sleep. Wasting too much time.

Took a rest by opening some work-projects. Then back again.

Don’t mind how much tears I’ve shed. Don’t mind how much air I’ve tried to gasp.

I had given all my effort for these 4 years, I can’t lose this.

The only thing that comforts me is doing some progress.

Don’t mind scars I’ve made, I deserved it. As long as I had the peace to continue as soon as possible.

Anxiety and some other feelings I can’t reflect, always fill me up for weeks.

As I’ve successfully hold my tantrums toward others, I always finish my work. Ended up, always for me.

Even there were a rough moment that making me consider taking a break, I thankful my anxiety as I have completed three kind of reports.

I could handle myself at this point anytime in future - I’ve blended into it, there’s nothing could pull me up.

No need someone to push me over the edge, I would love and happily do that again, and again. 

Who says it gonna be easy?

Four years freedom from college tuition.

They exploit us from the start, they happily do it.

Let the world see - this institution has so many international students. Wow, respect.

Look, this institution has many, many, fucking many articles written by students and it always renewed every semester! They even proudly wrote the institution name and their programs there.

Scholarship students should not have excess money, right? Even if the contract says there’s living cost for us.

“Please do not hide any money from us, especially it is given by government. You HAVE to share it with us. We will find a way.”

“You had no choice other than study overseas”. We don’t fucking care if you don’t have money for food, right?

Oh, you still had money in your account? Let’s keep the grades. You want A? Pay 15mill, honey.

This shithead always meet us 3 times a week just because she wanted to ask for their justice and rights.

Sure, let’s move the schedule to 1,5 months ahead. They would done it too! If they couldn’t, they should pay for next semester.

They are good but could be better. They had finished the paper? Let’s change the research subject and object because I am not satisfied with it.

“COVID, students deserve to be given fee waiver. Students also can ask for more if they needed more help regarding financial. However, scholarship students aren’t included”. We were really understand the situation.

But, our account filled with extra tuition fees - you really wanted us paying more so other students can be happy, right?

I had understand this game since the beginning. It just take more courage to fight against it.

All that they care was only for the name itself.

I still remember clearly how he touched and kissed me. No matter how hard and how I try to let go, it always be with me. Turns out it happened to others as well. I never want to be in this condition. All they did was taking the damn photo, keep smiling and joking about me. Is that a part of the offer in “excellent hospitality” ?

All I’ve faced, all I’ve done, all I’ve fought.

Things I’ve sacrificed for this study. 

There’s more to 4 additional alphabets behind my name.

When I graduate later, please acknowledge that I would be free, not happy. 

I could not rest myself - I’ve stated, typical hard asian.

I really, really, really want to.

When I graduate later, that is only a spark joy of a hellride. 

Please, don’t say nor judge anything you didn’t know.

Time shows 07.31 AM.

Restless and longing for a breathe.

This marks end of the story.