Vergessliché

Days by days, I don't feel any better. Feeling stable or numb, is just as thin as a paper. Not any day I would think I am going to be the best, even the day has just started.  It creeps me to relive some moments. But easier to live it now as I could just chug the meds and not worry about it anymore; it would be a comma, at least. Always feels like a burden, seems like everything is your fault.  It does not get any better. Now I can't recall memories I considered happy times. Did not put your 100% at work? my fault. It IS my fault, though. Not sharing what I actually feel and getting posts like this on my Blog? my fault. Sharing what I feel; could not control my emotions? my fault. Do not know when the thesis defense's schedule due? my fault. Being sick? my fault. Being powerless? my fault. Being dead would be my fault too, at least I would not be there to hear it anymore. 

 Is this how growing up feels like? When my doll is being hid somewhere under the pillow,  I had to understand that my brother had only joking with me. When KFC wasn’t served as dinner although they promised, I had to understand we could eat it another day. When all I wore everyday had belonged to my brothers, I had to understand that we should only wear our best clothes when going out. When I lost my money at school, I had to understand that I did not keep it safely. When they told me I have to be skinnier, I had to understand that people will love you first based on your appearance. When I was told that he wanted to break up with me, I had to understand that I could not let people stay if they wanted to leave. When they threw me away from the circle, I had to face that I have to be strong for myself. When I realized the saving wasn’t enough for tuition fees, I had to face that I have to look for a job. When they told me they could not pay for college, I had to face that I sh...

May, 2017 It was my last fight. I had built my Curriculum Vitae and it was ready to be sent. Every step that I took, I was ready to be rejected. But, I was the luckiest bitch alive that day. Something that changes my life forever. I stepped in with my whole heart, Filled with gratitude and proud, as I stated in my previous post - eyes only on the prize. Changed everything about myself, that I could do. Learnt how to build convo with others, took care of my body. It was really long time to finally accept my look, my physical body. I tried to forget my past memories, and tried to be someone new. Hospitality, tourism, hotelier. Not a single glinch in my life that I could get into this world. It was all about IT, I was going to dive deep down for programming and UI/UX, and I also wanted to learn about game developing. However, this is not something that I don't like. I could cope up with this, I adapt easily. I applied for Marketing student - I knew it was a win-win solution, I could l...

Yay, I finally could be a worthful person What is happening? I got something, I just achieve something First person, it is me I am going to make it happen Setting goal, all I focus on I knew this could take me somewhere Eyes on the prize, could not look anywhere I went somewhere I had dreamt Lived between peaceful, seas skies hills I, be myself, stronger day by day Happiness merely all the place  I wasn't lonely, I had myself, I had me Went well, where all I wanna be I'm here, hello again little world Got everything right on the track I wasn't struggling, wasn't I? Had to go into another cage I did some work, a distraction Keeping up, still had myself I do something else, good thing Apparently, it was fine for me I trusted too much, wrong decision Logic helps, only cried a bit I can't stop thinking about it, it's painful Became something that traumatize me I look for another way, trying to let go Did very well, like a kid running I breathe, starting to feel some...